toward the end of my Phantom Pain boss video
, I spoke about how I felt I was over the pain from these two guys who hurt me. . .
I had a dream where I saw one of them again. . . anyway, it wasn't a good dream.
It's like having a broken leg, and if I'm careful now about what position I'm in then it doesn't hurt. And then I'm doing stuff on my computer. . .I'm being careful, and I'm doing things in my life. I want to believe that my leg has healed.
I look at some old photographs; an old birthday card. . and why should that have any significants? It's like I've been trying to throw away my past, and when I'm reminded of it it's like trying to stand on my broken leg again; I feel just like Paz, in The Phantom Pain, now I'm laying on the floor, and I'm watching a Bob's Burgers episode to try to distract myself from it. "See, I'm feeling fine now," I tell myself. . . I've dealt with this pain so many times. I thought I'd get up and do stuff, but I go to bed. I have a nightmare. Nothing's really better.
The next day everything feels numb. . .like I'm in a different house, and I'm slowly returning to my actual house. . . I've dealt with something like this before; I don't want to think about it, I just follow what I know to do to be in a. . . position where I don't hurt.
sometimes I think: "I'll just deal with this, pain." I seek it out, and confront it. And it seems like "yah, I'm doing it," but then. . . later on I realize my leg is still broken. What am I supposed to do? I go to therapists, and they always enjoy having me: "You're my favourite patient," they always say. I'm glad the therapist is having fun, but what about me, the patient? When do I feel better. . . I might feel good, right after the session, but it soon becomes clear that my leg is still broken. . . I try to talk to them about what happend; they don't seem to want to hear it!!
I think most therapists don't have to help anyone who has an actual problem; I think a lot of their patients have problems like "oh, I lost my job, and now it feels like I have no purpose in life," or something like. . . .that. I feel like I get a lot of platitudes, but not any actual help.
In my mind, I was just betrayed, and what I want. . .is to spend time with a friend, and expeirience not-being-stabbed-in-the-back. I'm too weird, and nobody wants to get close to me. I got sick, after living with Caleb. It may have been Troy who got me sick while I lived there; who knows for sure. Later I was taking medicine for it, and I was allergic to it; but I didn't know that right away. It was pretty bad. . . I was trying to fight through the pain, and connect with my friends. I know spending time with a friend would help me deal with the anguinsh in my mind; and the therapists have advised that, too. . . I wanted to help Raven, but I said the wrong thing. . . and then he blocked me. And then Dos blocked me. . . because I made Raven upset; I don't know. . . Neither of them will say anything to me. We were friends for over a decade. . . and they just throw it away because I said something wrong?? . . I wanted to be able to help them. I wanted to help Dos set up his own business, and help Raven make his video game. . . I get that I said something wrong, but for them to throw all it away over that; I don't understand. .
Maybe I put too much pressure on Soro, and he won't talk to me anymore. For me, it feels like I've only scraped the edge of my problem; is it too much for people, because for me it feels like the problem isn't very large at all! I just can't run this race on my own, on this broken leg; It's been eight years since I was hurt, but I'm sure it would take maybe two or three days to deal with, if anyone would just agree to be here and help me heal it. . .
And Spencer said he would be here, and I believe he did want to. . . well he never did come to visit me. Or even let me visit him, for any time at all. . . Did he just find it amusing that I wanted to spend time with him?
All of those good friends I thought I had. . .they just abandoned me at the side of the road, and what am I supposed to think about that?!!?
In the past, 10 months, I've made enormous strides forward. Comparing the start of last summer, to now. . . getting the right medicine. . . I feel close to full health again! And that's awesome, to me, but nobody understands what happened. . . all anyone sees, is someone who's not at full health: and while I'm proud of the great progress I've made, to them they think "yah, he's not even as strong as an average person; I don't want to be around that. . ." and, like, I had to fight so hard to get here! I used to scream with every breath, because it hurt so much to breath. . . if the friends I made weren't really any good for me, then what do I have at all?