dream: on a train

I wonder how much longer Livejournal is going to be around. . . I like it a lot, but there's only two people I know who use it now.

I had some dream, about being at a furry con, and riding on a train ride; the kind you'd find at a fair ground. A kind of historic ride through a mine. Education for the kids.

I was so happy about being furry, before I was hurt, and now I just feel dead inside. . .I started dating someone, and our relationship is pretty strong now. They make me feel like, different; better.

He's into a lot of things I like, and it's nice finally getting to do some of these kinks. I feel so uninterested, though. I think "What am I supposed to feel when we do this?" I feel like it's not even happening; like I'm dead.

I've already written too much, I feel like. Nobody's going to read it, anyway.

I know I can recover. It feels like trying to learn how to walk again, and I can. . .It would be nice to go walking with other people, but when I meet other people, they run off like it's a race; obviously I can't compete at that level. I think it would be nice to do things with other people. .


It's my birthday. . I haven't celebrated my birthday in so long, I. . anyway. . .

I had a dream where I was Shaggy, from Scoobydoo; I was the actor, in a movie. It seemed like it was going well. I don't know. . .I guess it felt like I was alone there, too; Scooby was just an actor, anyway, and probably made in 3d.

I've tried so hard to make friends. After my health, it was what I focused on the most. Yet, it often feels like. . . well, at first I thought I had a lot of friends. It was just me thinking I did, and none of them, seemed to think of me as a very good friend. I tried making new friends, and they never message me. I guess they're my friends; it feels like I don't know what a friend is. Reaching out into the darkness, trying to find a friend, and there's never anything

If things don't go badly, then in several months from today, I'm going to get married. I'm worried no guests will come to my wedding. . . "Oh, sure, I'll come if I can. . . yah, what day was that on, oh, yah, I can't make it, sorry." They don't really know me. Why would they want to?

I don't really know me. I feel like I've been holding onto an idea of who I am; that I have certain qualities about myself. It's getting hard for me to believe I am who I am. Like somebody painted a portrait of me, and they painted somebody else. Everyone sees the portrait, and I say "that's not me," and they say "ooh, I see: You're missing this!" And they do something to my hair, or my clothes, to make me look more like my portrait; like. . . . but it's not me, you know: and everyone's trying to make me become this thing I'm not, and I'm trying to be who I am and show them, and it's hard because I'm sick, and. . . even I look at the portrait and think "isn't that who I am?" I feel like I don't even know what a friend is.

I like writing, but maybe one person might read this. No one will respond to it. . I put a lot of effort into things no one seems to notice. I miss this website that's still here.

(no subject)

Metal Gear V lets players attack each others' bases. I wasn't sure if it was a real feature, but finally someone attacked my base, and I was able to show up on my base during their attack to fight them in real time.

This, is the completely true story of what happened. . .


(no subject)

toward the end of my Phantom Pain boss video, I spoke about how I felt I was over the pain from these two guys who hurt me. . .

I had a dream where I saw one of them again. . . anyway, it wasn't a good dream.

It's like having a broken leg, and if I'm careful now about what position I'm in then it doesn't hurt. And then I'm doing stuff on my computer. . .I'm being careful, and I'm doing things in my life. I want to believe that my leg has healed.

I look at some old photographs; an old birthday card. . and why should that have any significants? It's like I've been trying to throw away my past, and when I'm reminded of it it's like trying to stand on my broken leg again; I feel just like Paz, in The Phantom Pain, now I'm laying on the floor, and I'm watching a Bob's Burgers episode to try to distract myself from it. "See, I'm feeling fine now," I tell myself. . . I've dealt with this pain so many times. I thought I'd get up and do stuff, but I go to bed. I have a nightmare. Nothing's really better.

The next day everything feels numb. . .like I'm in a different house, and I'm slowly returning to my actual house. . . I've dealt with something like this before; I don't want to think about it, I just follow what I know to do to be in a. . . position where I don't hurt.

sometimes I think: "I'll just deal with this, pain." I seek it out, and confront it. And it seems like "yah, I'm doing it," but then. . . later on I realize my leg is still broken. What am I supposed to do? I go to therapists, and they always enjoy having me: "You're my favourite patient," they always say. I'm glad the therapist is having fun, but what about me, the patient? When do I feel better. . . I might feel good, right after the session, but it soon becomes clear that my leg is still broken. . . I try to talk to them about what happend; they don't seem to want to hear it!!

I think most therapists don't have to help anyone who has an actual problem; I think a lot of their patients have problems like "oh, I lost my job, and now it feels like I have no purpose in life," or something like. . . .that. I feel like I get a lot of platitudes, but not any actual help.

In my mind, I was just betrayed, and what I want. . .is to spend time with a friend, and expeirience not-being-stabbed-in-the-back. I'm too weird, and nobody wants to get close to me. I got sick, after living with Caleb. It may have been Troy who got me sick while I lived there; who knows for sure. Later I was taking medicine for it, and I was allergic to it; but I didn't know that right away. It was pretty bad. . . I was trying to fight through the pain, and connect with my friends. I know spending time with a friend would help me deal with the anguinsh in my mind; and the therapists have advised that, too. . . I wanted to help Raven, but I said the wrong thing. . . and then he blocked me. And then Dos blocked me. . . because I made Raven upset; I don't know. . . Neither of them will say anything to me. We were friends for over a decade. . . and they just throw it away because I said something wrong?? . . I wanted to be able to help them. I wanted to help Dos set up his own business, and help Raven make his video game. . . I get that I said something wrong, but for them to throw all it away over that; I don't understand. .

Maybe I put too much pressure on Soro, and he won't talk to me anymore. For me, it feels like I've only scraped the edge of my problem; is it too much for people, because for me it feels like the problem isn't very large at all! I just can't run this race on my own, on this broken leg; It's been eight years since I was hurt, but I'm sure it would take maybe two or three days to deal with, if anyone would just agree to be here and help me heal it. . .

And Spencer said he would be here, and I believe he did want to. . . well he never did come to visit me. Or even let me visit him, for any time at all. . . Did he just find it amusing that I wanted to spend time with him?

All of those good friends I thought I had. . .they just abandoned me at the side of the road, and what am I supposed to think about that?!!?

In the past, 10 months, I've made enormous strides forward. Comparing the start of last summer, to now. . . getting the right medicine. . . I feel close to full health again! And that's awesome, to me, but nobody understands what happened. . . all anyone sees, is someone who's not at full health: and while I'm proud of the great progress I've made, to them they think "yah, he's not even as strong as an average person; I don't want to be around that. . ." and, like, I had to fight so hard to get here! I used to scream with every breath, because it hurt so much to breath. . . if the friends I made weren't really any good for me, then what do I have at all?

Alright, another goofy video :3

Hey there~

Made another video. . it's okay, but I still think you should watch the original goofy video, if you haven't yet already; check that one here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VP4w4l5xPI

In tonight's video, I go for a full stealth entry and rescue the prisoner. . . as usual it didn't exactly how I planned. . .

Ahh, no! Are you kidding me, it didn't record??!? Auggh!! . . . It was a pretty good episode: a bit funny, there was intense moments; I got an S rank. . . awwh. . . man!!!

. . .Well, maybe it was kind of a boring video; I dunno, and that's why I recommend seeing the original if you haven't yet. :3

Another episode

Hey, I released another video no one cares about :D

In this episode, I do really awesome! . . . Then I take a detour and it becomes a misadventure!

oh, yah, uhm

I made a video of me fighting Metal Gear left-handed. Because my right arm is crippled.

It's sucked.

I made a sequel video, too!

There's a "zone" followed by intermission and then the boss fight, if you want to skip right to the fight, I made a thing. . thing-thing.

I messed up with the audio on the sequel. . . I decided just to leave it all in there, because I'm sleepy, and I also don't have any software installed for this kind of thing right now. Some of it was pretty interesting. Whatever.


. . . is it only just now that I've done whatever it is the thing that I do, taking a bunch of weed, that I've been able to get my life back on track this much? Like, what am I supposed to think right now.